I Blame Never Being Able To Post Anything Longer Then A Sentence on Essays

In fact I blame everything on essays.

For Example:

Why it's been two weeks and I still haven't emailed my Grandmother back,

Carpel Tunnel,

Child Labour: due to bitter angry people who had to endure writing copious essays during their university career. Therefore taking out anger and hatred on multitudes of chinese children.

The Dramatically Climbing Ratio of Car Accidents in Winter: Who has time for winter tires? I need to finish this Essay for yesterday. 

Old People Haters: They are already DONE their essays! They never have to look at another one till the day they die, which might be soon.

People with Weird Annoying Laughs: They've been kept behind a computer screen for so long that they forget how to mingle with general society, causing random outbursts of laughter. But they haven't laughed in weeks because of the essay they wrote on the bubonic plague and its death count of sixty billion fluffy bunnies clutched by helpless children, and life just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

Christmas Haters: Christmas presents? Screw Christmas! I need an elf to keep in my closet whose soul purpose in living is to write my essays. 

Lack of World Peace: due to George Bush's inability to write or understand one. 

Dying alone: You have been holed up in your room for what feels like 3,00480,3974970 weeks and everyone thinks you are dead. Your own mother daren't look in your room for fear of seeing the carcass of her daughter draped in spider webs.

Animal haters (minus monkeys): The ONE time having thumbs is a bitch.

Procrastinators: For fear of becoming any of the things above.