Please Don’t Toucha Toucha Touch Me, A Tale of Winnipeg Transit and Misfortune

*UPDATED*


Today I realized, that every time I sit in front of someone on the bus, I am terrified that they will cut my hair. Some may find this irrational. I however, think it is perfectly legitimate and who are you to judge my fear? I know someone who is terrified of condiments.

Anyways, I sit there and picture myself walking off the bus happy and unaware, with the back of my hair lopped off to my neck. I only realize what has happened when a gust of wind hits my neck. I turn and can see the maniac who sat behind me through the window, holding the lump of hair that is tragically no longer attached to my head. He is grinning and will now forever ride my bus route looking for me so he can chop all my hair off and make himself a wig.

As a precaution to avoid any unwanted haircuts, I always sweep my hair to the side. To keep it out of temptations way.

But that, is not actually what I meant to write about, it’s just something I noticed.

For your safety I have created the ultimate bus riding guide, Tips and Tricks Of Transit Safety. A compilation of bus riding safety tips that I have picked up from my first two and a half months of bus travel. 

Anything you learnt elsewhere you can now delete permanently from your brain. That was all bullshit. 

Knowing the exits will not help you when the vehicle is moving and you need to get off now. This will.

      1) Waiting At The Stop:

• When waiting at the bus stop be sure you have the most important items set out before you see the bus approaching. It is usually a good idea to go over a mental checklist, for example: Bus Pass, Backpack, Coffee, Pants.. ect

• As the bus approaches, take note of the number in the top left hand corner. Does that number match the one you were intending on boarding? If so proceed to the next step.

(In the event that you have misread your bus number, exit hastily at the next bus stop, do not try to beg, plead or barter with the bus driver to take you to the place you need to get to, as it does not work and he does not care that you have a midterm.)

     2) When Boarding the Bus:

•  Always smile and say hello to the bus driver. In a case of emergency, that guy is your lifeline between getting raped and murdered, to having a safe and happy bus experience. 

• It is never a bad idea to give the bus driver a token of appreciation -or an incentive to keep you safe- however you want to look at it. Sparkly head bands, Abba Cd’s, Donuts and Coffee are all acceptable.

     3) Surviving Seating: 

• Scope out an empty seat near the front. Prime seating are the double benches facing      forward. Try to sit in direct vision of the bus drivers mirror, and ALWAYS sit in the isle seat, putting your backpack/purse and or child in the inner seat. Giving the illusion that it is full. 

(Guys, If you do not have a purse and or child/backpack, sit directly in the middle of the seats, and stretch out in a way that clearly says: I am fat, there is no room for you.)

• The Bitch Face. This is for your own safety, tilt your head to the side and squint your eyes, pull your lip up on one side and glare down anyone who looks like they want to sit with you. If you are doing the bitch face correctly you should be emanating the vibe of “imma cut you”

(The bitch face is as effective for males as females, contrary to popular belief.)

Note: Failure to follow through with steps A or B of this tip could cause: The Unwanted Seat Partner.*

*UPDATED*


  - Surviving Standing

• Sometimes, sad as it may be, there is just no room to sit. You are forced onto the sardines-in-a can style bus, even though you are claustrophobic and being near strange people make you itchy. Because you are late, and you do not want to wait another half hour for the next bus. My advice to you is this: try to fight for your own space. All other rules still apply. 
• When standing, stand with feet planted firmly on the floor, try to keep your backpack (or whatever heavy weighted object you may be carrying: Child, Heavy machinery, Assault snipper rifle) either directly in front or behind you, as to keep balance. Keep one hand free to defend against "inappropriate bus behaviour" and one firmly on a stabilizing pole.
• Becoming intimately familiar with the body form: Lean and Stand, is in your best interest. Not only is it a good core workout, but it will keep you from either falling flat on your face, or into somebody's lap during a quick stop.

(To execute the Lean and Stand correctly you should: have your feet shoulder length apart, body ridged and almost horizontal with the floor. You may be thinking, "but I can't bend this way.." I promise, you will learn)

*The Unwanted Seat Partner

In failure to follow my own brilliant rules, I attracted: The Unwanted Seat Partner. The Unwanted Seat Partner comes in all different shapes, sizes, colours and annoyances. You could have a multitude of different Unwanteds in one day. For convenience I have given them each names for easier identification:

- The Chatty Cathy

• Chatty Cathy’s are usually so far stoned out of their minds, that you wonder how they even succeeded on boarding the bus by themselves

• Be careful not to inhale too deeply, you could probably still get high off their breath

- The Happy Helper 

• The Happy Helper is usually in the form of an older woman and or odd teenage girl.

• They are so extremely polite and happy to talk. They are constantly looking for ways to help you. They are determined not to let you go into the state where you comfortably ignore each other. (as is bus etiquette) 

• They are so helpful up to the point that you are sure they have multiple sinister ulterior motives. And you start to imagine what they could be. This symptom is best described as: when Stranger Danger kicks in.

HH: “Oh here, let me hold your book for you,” 

You: “WHY!? Are you going to hit me with it? Is that it? Oh I know! You haven’t washed your hands in 8 days and are trying to infect me with ebola!!!”

- The Gassy Gabby 

• One who really needs no introduction. The multiple odors The Gassy Gabby can have leak out of their body is astounding. From B.O to the cloud of smokers choke that hangs overhead, to Gaseous Maximus. In many cases the smell only attacks one unfortunate body part, usually the nose. 

• But some, are more talented then others -unfortunately for the rest of us. They can assault various different olfactory senses at one time. You won’t realize it at first, but then it hits you. Usually beginning with the massacre of your nose. You are pretty sure whatever smell that is emanating from this person, is the equivalent to acid stripping the inside of your nostril walls. Your eyes start watering, and your whole body revolts.

- The Magician

• Always in the form of creepy old men, usually in sweatpants. Do not be fooled into a false sense of security, The Magician does not need any sort of encouragement, wearing a turtleneck means nothing.

• If he asks you if you want to see a magic trick, do not answer, just get up and move. They sit, they stare, then they pitch a tent in their pants.

- The Greedy Grandma/pa

• Do not be fooled by their sweet elderly exterior. These Unwanteds are evil masterminds, bent on making off with half the contents of your backpack.

• Just because their cologne reminds you of Great-Uncle Lloyd, does not mean they won’t hustle you out of your bus pass

- The Music Murderer 

• Capable of turning even the most mild mannered person into a scheming homicidal maniac. Picturing themselves strangling the assailant with their headphones.

• True, it is courteous to have your iPod on, so that you can all happily pretend the others on the bus do not exist. No one likes the entrapment of awkward social niceties. But do you know what else no one likes? Having someone else’s shitty music blasting in their ears. A) Because generally your taste in music is not as good as you think and B) now its stuck in my head. 

I have unfortunately encountered all of the above. Though the particular Unwanted who has permanently left a scar on my brain is #4, The Magician. Take extreme cautions when practicing my easy seating steps, and and you should never have to deal with a little magician popping up to say hello.

4) The Signs:

• You may think that an empty bus is a good sign. You get your choice of prime seating. You can stretch out on the entire back row of seats; imagine how you could turn the back of the bus into your very own moving fort. You can even fart and probably the bus driver won’t notice. WRONG, an empty bus is not a good sign! This is where people forget Step 2. 

• Be sure to always look up when someone new enters the bus. How are they dressed? Can you smell them from here? What is that bulge in their pocket? These are all very smart and reasonable questions to ask yourself as you re-enforce Step 2. 

• There is only one open seat on the bus, and it’s next to the sleeping person. This is obviously a sign that the bus gods have thought, “She hath stood enough” and have blessed you with a reasonably safe seat partner. This is NOT a good sign, possibly because this guy bites in his sleep. Then you realize why the seat was empty. There are no bus gods. The only bus god is the driver and you neglected to say good morning.

5) Deterring Unwanteds: 

• Riding the bus with an Unwanted for a seat partner is much like an episode of survivor. Only instead of Outwit, Outplay, Outlast; it becomes Outweird, Outperv, Outgas. In which essentially you need to become so repulsive and like them, that even the Unwanted won’t want to sit with you. 

• One of the best techniques is to mirror everything the Unwanted does, only grander. For instance a Chatty Cathy won’t stop talking? Talk louder, and over them, being sure to use lots of flailing hand and arm movements. The Music Murderers music sucks and is way too loud? If you know the song, sing along... LOUDLY and preferably off key. If you do not make something up, this little ditty has worked wonders in the past:

Oh there’s a guy, Right next to me,

His music’s loud and in my ears,

Oh how I wish that I had a glue stick,

So I could make sure his earbuds would adhere 

(Sung to the tune of “Oh, When the Saints.)

6) Exiting the Bus:

• There is something about the bright yellowness, or the happy ding, that makes us want to pull the STOP string first. In some cases the need becomes so great, that one forgets to actually check and be sure that it is ones stop. Be sure to always check before pulling the string, as pulling the string is signing a contract with the bus driver which you must commit to fulfilling.

• It is always a tricky situation when drinking coffee on the bus. The frequent unfrequent stops, the sharp turns, and the runaway-face-smacking-purses from isle standers, cause a dangerous environment to consume hot liquids. Most people don’t realize, that right after you’ve notified the bus driver with the yellow rope that you would like to stop, isn’t such a great time to have a drink. It is in this mantra you will keep yourself from being scalded: Always chug before you tug.

• If leaving by the front door, always be sure to smile and thank your Transit Transportation Guide. (I.E. Bus Driver) 

This has been Tips and Tricks to Transit Safety. 

Your Welcome.