Trapped: in a public bathroom

Everyone has had that moment, the one terrifying- albeit later hilarious- moment, where you psych yourself out. Whether it be mistakenly thinking you left the stove on, and you’re already at the grocery store, or when you are fairly certain that you have a communicable disease...because you typed all your symptoms into WebMD and they matched.

Myself, begin a normal human being, and a hypochondriac, have had several of these types of psych outs. But they are not the ones to which I am referring. 

No ladies and gents, I am talking about the ever dreaded moment you look over and realize that you have no toilet paper. None. I’m talking about the sinking, anguished feeling of being stranded on a toilet. 

My unfortunate story takes place at a mall not far from here. Not to be confused with the one I actually work at, making it just unfamiliar enough to get turned around and lost.

Ironically, I was there for a work related reason. I was sent to a retail conference to learn how to “more effectively” haggle people out of their money. 

Let me just say that being trapped in a tiny overheated conference room, in the back halls of an over-capacitated mall with 20 people is not fun. By the time our thirty minutes of freedom rolled around, (aka: lunch) I was itchy with the prospect of breathing fresh air, that hadn’t been circulating around the room for the last three hours. 

Of course, the first thought in my mind was: Get to food. My stomach had been having a lively and rather loud conversation with my brain (and everyone else in the room) making it hard to concentrate on anything else but obtaining and consuming a sandwich at the very LEAST.

When I had finished the last of the most glorious sandwich I had ever tasted and a large  Orange Julius, I realized that my bladder had swollen up to the size of an overfilled water balloon. The kind that is so full you can actually see the plastic working up a sweat to contain all the sloshy water. It was bad. And I was in pain. I Potty Shuffled* to the nearest bathroom in a quick and orderly fashion.

(*not to be confused with the “potty dance” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DacxAfN_T-Y although it has to be said, the elderly mad holding his crotch in short-shorts at 0:32 would be enough to set any toddler back from potty training for years) 

When one has to pee as badly as I did, your first thought is GETTER DONE. You do not stop to check your surroundings, you are lucky if you enter the right gender washroom, let alone reach a stall in time. So you can imagine my extreme distress and utter disappointment after finally achieving the flooding feeling of relief, to realize toilet paper was no where to be found. 

At this point it was a race to what would happen first, my limited time to get back to the conference room running out (five minutes and thirteen seconds), or someone coming to use the washroom. You’d think it would be fine, that people have to pee all the time. 

That is not the case. No one in the world ever has to pee when you need them too. 

Robert Munsch even wrote a book about it. (http://robertmunsch.com/i-have-to-go/)

For two minutes I sat there in silence. Alone without the tinkling sound of companionship. Distraught over the undoubtable reprimand I would receive for being late. I was getting desperate. 

At three minutes I threw dignity to the wind and started yelling. 

After a minute and a half of “HELLOOO??” and “TRAPPED! IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE!!” my prayers were answered. The familiar clickity clack of painful-but-attractive-shoes, echoed down the bathroom hall.

Me: “Um Hello? I know this must be rather odd, and I’m sorry for the awkwardness, but I am stranded on the toilet, and I am late.”

*Brief pause*

Laughter.

Then HALLELUJAH! From the hands of an amazing mystery woman a wad of toilet paper! 

Finally freed from the confines of the stall I met my savior. A sweet thirty-something year old mom who had tears in her eyes and blotches on her cheeks from laughing so hard. 

Me: “Thank you so much! I am eternally grateful.”

Savior: “Happy to help. You made my day, in fact this might have made my month!” 

After a brief discussion on the dangers of public washrooms I was flying out the door and back to the conference room. Turns out running against mall traffic in heels is not an easy feat to accomplish. Nor is it very attractive while doing it.. 

But the point is I was there ON. TIME. And I am sure the group of seniors I plowed through like a bowling ball are all fine. 

I never saw that awesome mom again, but if you happen to stumble upon this, know that your aid was entirely appreciated. There is not many who would be as cool as you.

I Blame Never Being Able To Post Anything Longer Then A Sentence on Essays

In fact I blame everything on essays.

For Example:

Why it's been two weeks and I still haven't emailed my Grandmother back,

Carpel Tunnel,

Child Labour: due to bitter angry people who had to endure writing copious essays during their university career. Therefore taking out anger and hatred on multitudes of chinese children.

The Dramatically Climbing Ratio of Car Accidents in Winter: Who has time for winter tires? I need to finish this Essay for yesterday. 

Old People Haters: They are already DONE their essays! They never have to look at another one till the day they die, which might be soon.

People with Weird Annoying Laughs: They've been kept behind a computer screen for so long that they forget how to mingle with general society, causing random outbursts of laughter. But they haven't laughed in weeks because of the essay they wrote on the bubonic plague and its death count of sixty billion fluffy bunnies clutched by helpless children, and life just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

Christmas Haters: Christmas presents? Screw Christmas! I need an elf to keep in my closet whose soul purpose in living is to write my essays. 

Lack of World Peace: due to George Bush's inability to write or understand one. 

Dying alone: You have been holed up in your room for what feels like 3,00480,3974970 weeks and everyone thinks you are dead. Your own mother daren't look in your room for fear of seeing the carcass of her daughter draped in spider webs.

Animal haters (minus monkeys): The ONE time having thumbs is a bitch.

Procrastinators: For fear of becoming any of the things above.

New Transit Transportation: Move Over Buses!

Say buh-bye buses! Winnipeg has a new form of transportation, and frankly it beats you. 


Keeping with its prairie/farming heritage Winnipeg Manitoba has apparently decided to update its Transit vehicles to nothing other then: Tractors.

It may take about 30 hours longer for everyone to get where they are going, but when they arrive, it will be about 30 times more epic.

Graduating= Insta-Adult

I am here to disprove a common theory, a rumour if you will. You know the one:


Mix one cup of graduation, two teaspoons of diploma and add a dash of university acceptance, and BAM!
Instant Adult


I don't know where the common misconception came from, but I would like it to stop. Just because by some unknown force I was able to acquire an acceptance letter, does not mean I am about to drop my disney obsession, wear grown-up shoes and become an adult.


The last time I seriously tried to act like an adult, I was seven. My parents were out doing yard work and I decided not only was I parched, but ravenous as well. (Words brought to you by Sesame Street) I decided the only way to rectify the situation would be to make my family Kraft Dinner. Because I was an awesome kid who decided to feed not only myself, but my family as well.


So I got myself a pot and a wooden spoon, two instruments I had seen my mother use to make the fabulous dish that is KD. I put the pot on the stove and turned it on high (as I assumed one does when making macaroni). I then opened the box and poured out the contents in its entirety into the pot. I stirred once and then went to finish watching Stickin' Around, while my KD magically formed into edible food.


Really, I should not have been punished for this. How was a seven year old supposed to know that in order for something to boil there needed to be a liquid? How was I supposed to know the cheese packet needed to be opened to release its cheesy goodness? Is it so wrong that in my act of kindness I naively assumed that if I were to put it all in the pot and left it there, it would then turn into food?


Halfway into Rugrats, a displeasing smell entered my general vicinity. Though I was too enthralled to really worry or notice. Finally a shrill angry beeping sound exploded through the house and interrupted Tommy Pickles, forcing me into reality. Like FBI agents my parents busted through the doors. My father through the back screen door and my mother through the front. Both racing in to secure the safety of their darling child. I -being the innocent, exemplary, honest child I was, figured this would be a very good time to hide.


In hindsight, this probably wasn't my greatest plan. And I probably should have come out of hiding after the eighth time they called me. Probably. But at that point I was afraid for my life. Especially after my father finally got the smoke alarm to stop ringing and I heard my mother say: What is it with this kid and setting things on fire?! I should have cleared my name and told them of my good intentions. Plus that was only the second time I had accidentally set something on fire! That accusation hardly seemed fair!


In the end, the pot was salvaged, after many a srub-and-soak from my mother. Though to this very day you can see the effect I had on it. Since then I have never tried to act like an adult, or cook something in the kitchen ever again. Mostly.

If you look closely you can see the destruction.

Admittedly, there have been times that I do put a little effort into being adult-like. But those efforts are usually aborted or deteriorate before they have a chance to be aborted. Take starting my essay yesterday afternoon, I took all the necessary steps to beginning:

This is A, not really being a good example and texting when she should be studying for her Calculus Exam.

1. Went with a friend to the Quiet Room (Affectionately dubbed the Nap Room) 
2. Found a comfortable chaise lounge to sit and start
3. Pulled out my laptop and then....
4. Watched Hercules

Enjoying Disney movies with childlike abandon.

I am the living breathing proof, that all that go to university are not adult.

Theory Disproved.

Please Don’t Toucha Toucha Touch Me, A Tale of Winnipeg Transit and Misfortune

*UPDATED*


Today I realized, that every time I sit in front of someone on the bus, I am terrified that they will cut my hair. Some may find this irrational. I however, think it is perfectly legitimate and who are you to judge my fear? I know someone who is terrified of condiments.

Anyways, I sit there and picture myself walking off the bus happy and unaware, with the back of my hair lopped off to my neck. I only realize what has happened when a gust of wind hits my neck. I turn and can see the maniac who sat behind me through the window, holding the lump of hair that is tragically no longer attached to my head. He is grinning and will now forever ride my bus route looking for me so he can chop all my hair off and make himself a wig.

As a precaution to avoid any unwanted haircuts, I always sweep my hair to the side. To keep it out of temptations way.

But that, is not actually what I meant to write about, it’s just something I noticed.

For your safety I have created the ultimate bus riding guide, Tips and Tricks Of Transit Safety. A compilation of bus riding safety tips that I have picked up from my first two and a half months of bus travel. 

Anything you learnt elsewhere you can now delete permanently from your brain. That was all bullshit. 

Knowing the exits will not help you when the vehicle is moving and you need to get off now. This will.

      1) Waiting At The Stop:

• When waiting at the bus stop be sure you have the most important items set out before you see the bus approaching. It is usually a good idea to go over a mental checklist, for example: Bus Pass, Backpack, Coffee, Pants.. ect

• As the bus approaches, take note of the number in the top left hand corner. Does that number match the one you were intending on boarding? If so proceed to the next step.

(In the event that you have misread your bus number, exit hastily at the next bus stop, do not try to beg, plead or barter with the bus driver to take you to the place you need to get to, as it does not work and he does not care that you have a midterm.)

     2) When Boarding the Bus:

•  Always smile and say hello to the bus driver. In a case of emergency, that guy is your lifeline between getting raped and murdered, to having a safe and happy bus experience. 

• It is never a bad idea to give the bus driver a token of appreciation -or an incentive to keep you safe- however you want to look at it. Sparkly head bands, Abba Cd’s, Donuts and Coffee are all acceptable.

     3) Surviving Seating: 

• Scope out an empty seat near the front. Prime seating are the double benches facing      forward. Try to sit in direct vision of the bus drivers mirror, and ALWAYS sit in the isle seat, putting your backpack/purse and or child in the inner seat. Giving the illusion that it is full. 

(Guys, If you do not have a purse and or child/backpack, sit directly in the middle of the seats, and stretch out in a way that clearly says: I am fat, there is no room for you.)

• The Bitch Face. This is for your own safety, tilt your head to the side and squint your eyes, pull your lip up on one side and glare down anyone who looks like they want to sit with you. If you are doing the bitch face correctly you should be emanating the vibe of “imma cut you”

(The bitch face is as effective for males as females, contrary to popular belief.)

Note: Failure to follow through with steps A or B of this tip could cause: The Unwanted Seat Partner.*

*UPDATED*


  - Surviving Standing

• Sometimes, sad as it may be, there is just no room to sit. You are forced onto the sardines-in-a can style bus, even though you are claustrophobic and being near strange people make you itchy. Because you are late, and you do not want to wait another half hour for the next bus. My advice to you is this: try to fight for your own space. All other rules still apply. 
• When standing, stand with feet planted firmly on the floor, try to keep your backpack (or whatever heavy weighted object you may be carrying: Child, Heavy machinery, Assault snipper rifle) either directly in front or behind you, as to keep balance. Keep one hand free to defend against "inappropriate bus behaviour" and one firmly on a stabilizing pole.
• Becoming intimately familiar with the body form: Lean and Stand, is in your best interest. Not only is it a good core workout, but it will keep you from either falling flat on your face, or into somebody's lap during a quick stop.

(To execute the Lean and Stand correctly you should: have your feet shoulder length apart, body ridged and almost horizontal with the floor. You may be thinking, "but I can't bend this way.." I promise, you will learn)

*The Unwanted Seat Partner

In failure to follow my own brilliant rules, I attracted: The Unwanted Seat Partner. The Unwanted Seat Partner comes in all different shapes, sizes, colours and annoyances. You could have a multitude of different Unwanteds in one day. For convenience I have given them each names for easier identification:

- The Chatty Cathy

• Chatty Cathy’s are usually so far stoned out of their minds, that you wonder how they even succeeded on boarding the bus by themselves

• Be careful not to inhale too deeply, you could probably still get high off their breath

- The Happy Helper 

• The Happy Helper is usually in the form of an older woman and or odd teenage girl.

• They are so extremely polite and happy to talk. They are constantly looking for ways to help you. They are determined not to let you go into the state where you comfortably ignore each other. (as is bus etiquette) 

• They are so helpful up to the point that you are sure they have multiple sinister ulterior motives. And you start to imagine what they could be. This symptom is best described as: when Stranger Danger kicks in.

HH: “Oh here, let me hold your book for you,” 

You: “WHY!? Are you going to hit me with it? Is that it? Oh I know! You haven’t washed your hands in 8 days and are trying to infect me with ebola!!!”

- The Gassy Gabby 

• One who really needs no introduction. The multiple odors The Gassy Gabby can have leak out of their body is astounding. From B.O to the cloud of smokers choke that hangs overhead, to Gaseous Maximus. In many cases the smell only attacks one unfortunate body part, usually the nose. 

• But some, are more talented then others -unfortunately for the rest of us. They can assault various different olfactory senses at one time. You won’t realize it at first, but then it hits you. Usually beginning with the massacre of your nose. You are pretty sure whatever smell that is emanating from this person, is the equivalent to acid stripping the inside of your nostril walls. Your eyes start watering, and your whole body revolts.

- The Magician

• Always in the form of creepy old men, usually in sweatpants. Do not be fooled into a false sense of security, The Magician does not need any sort of encouragement, wearing a turtleneck means nothing.

• If he asks you if you want to see a magic trick, do not answer, just get up and move. They sit, they stare, then they pitch a tent in their pants.

- The Greedy Grandma/pa

• Do not be fooled by their sweet elderly exterior. These Unwanteds are evil masterminds, bent on making off with half the contents of your backpack.

• Just because their cologne reminds you of Great-Uncle Lloyd, does not mean they won’t hustle you out of your bus pass

- The Music Murderer 

• Capable of turning even the most mild mannered person into a scheming homicidal maniac. Picturing themselves strangling the assailant with their headphones.

• True, it is courteous to have your iPod on, so that you can all happily pretend the others on the bus do not exist. No one likes the entrapment of awkward social niceties. But do you know what else no one likes? Having someone else’s shitty music blasting in their ears. A) Because generally your taste in music is not as good as you think and B) now its stuck in my head. 

I have unfortunately encountered all of the above. Though the particular Unwanted who has permanently left a scar on my brain is #4, The Magician. Take extreme cautions when practicing my easy seating steps, and and you should never have to deal with a little magician popping up to say hello.

4) The Signs:

• You may think that an empty bus is a good sign. You get your choice of prime seating. You can stretch out on the entire back row of seats; imagine how you could turn the back of the bus into your very own moving fort. You can even fart and probably the bus driver won’t notice. WRONG, an empty bus is not a good sign! This is where people forget Step 2. 

• Be sure to always look up when someone new enters the bus. How are they dressed? Can you smell them from here? What is that bulge in their pocket? These are all very smart and reasonable questions to ask yourself as you re-enforce Step 2. 

• There is only one open seat on the bus, and it’s next to the sleeping person. This is obviously a sign that the bus gods have thought, “She hath stood enough” and have blessed you with a reasonably safe seat partner. This is NOT a good sign, possibly because this guy bites in his sleep. Then you realize why the seat was empty. There are no bus gods. The only bus god is the driver and you neglected to say good morning.

5) Deterring Unwanteds: 

• Riding the bus with an Unwanted for a seat partner is much like an episode of survivor. Only instead of Outwit, Outplay, Outlast; it becomes Outweird, Outperv, Outgas. In which essentially you need to become so repulsive and like them, that even the Unwanted won’t want to sit with you. 

• One of the best techniques is to mirror everything the Unwanted does, only grander. For instance a Chatty Cathy won’t stop talking? Talk louder, and over them, being sure to use lots of flailing hand and arm movements. The Music Murderers music sucks and is way too loud? If you know the song, sing along... LOUDLY and preferably off key. If you do not make something up, this little ditty has worked wonders in the past:

Oh there’s a guy, Right next to me,

His music’s loud and in my ears,

Oh how I wish that I had a glue stick,

So I could make sure his earbuds would adhere 

(Sung to the tune of “Oh, When the Saints.)

6) Exiting the Bus:

• There is something about the bright yellowness, or the happy ding, that makes us want to pull the STOP string first. In some cases the need becomes so great, that one forgets to actually check and be sure that it is ones stop. Be sure to always check before pulling the string, as pulling the string is signing a contract with the bus driver which you must commit to fulfilling.

• It is always a tricky situation when drinking coffee on the bus. The frequent unfrequent stops, the sharp turns, and the runaway-face-smacking-purses from isle standers, cause a dangerous environment to consume hot liquids. Most people don’t realize, that right after you’ve notified the bus driver with the yellow rope that you would like to stop, isn’t such a great time to have a drink. It is in this mantra you will keep yourself from being scalded: Always chug before you tug.

• If leaving by the front door, always be sure to smile and thank your Transit Transportation Guide. (I.E. Bus Driver) 

This has been Tips and Tricks to Transit Safety. 

Your Welcome.